Tories are set to announce a desparate power sharing deal later this week with the great destroyer.
Ex-shadow transport secretary Damian Green said his party need to get back in touch with the electorate through "Satanic Conservatism".
"Politics has moved on since the Thatcher era, people have become more cynical and therefore an opposition party needs to be more realistic," he told The Spoof.
On Sunday Tory leader Michael Howard denied the party needed a miracle to win the next election, but added: "We do need to do a lot more."
And he dismissed suggestions that the best the party could hope for in a national vote was for a plague of locusts to descend and keep the Labour vote indoors.
The Conservatives were forced into fourth place behind the UK Independence Party in the Hartlepool by-election, which was narrowly won by Labour despite a substantial swing to the Lib Dems on Thursday.
A poll in Monday's Times newspaper suggests the Tories are less popular than they were at the time of last year's conference under Iain Duncan Smith. Mr Duncan Smith was ousted less than three weeks after a conference dominated by speculation about his leadership. The party was sitting at about 30 to 33% in polls. They are now on 28%, according to the Populus poll in Monday's Times, with Labour on 35%, the Lib Dems on 25% and UKIP on 5%. Satan appeared above Blair, Howard and Kilroy Silk in a recent Heat magazine poll of people you could trust
"the Devil is in the detail" commented Liam Fox, the ludicrously smug shadow chancellor. "Or, in this case he is in the car behind having a threesome with Oliver Letwin and Theresa May".
The power sharing pact with the Prince of Darkness is to be announced later in the conference week as Tory organisers and spin doctors do not want to alienate the Women's Institute, who are planning to hold a fringe meeting and whist drive tonight in Bournemouth, the location of this years Tory Conference.
"I think Beelzebub rampaging through the hotel, performing lewd sexual acts with the press corps and passing wildlife might upset the ladies a little" said an unnamed cloven hoofed spin doctor. "He obviously hasn't visited the Berkhamstead branch meetings" commented one twin set and pearled delegate in response.
The deal is reportedly set to include the souls of all the shadow cabinet except for that of Michael Howard. This was part of an earlier pact involving Sharon Stone and jar of Piccalilli.