James Bond's next adventure has been delayed by the search for an actor to play Bond. In light of the difficulties in casting 007, the Producers recently decided to have a look at English footballers. Auditions were held in London and casting director Alan Milne said that they were beseiged with hopefuls.
"I can honestly say that in all my years of casting actors, I have never seen so many turn out for an audition. What's worse is that each of them sees themselves completely differently to how the rest of humanity will see them. Take Stan Collymore : He thinks he's some kind of gorgeous, dashing Errol Flynn type figure. The only part I can offer him is where we tattoo a numberplate on his forehead and Bond asks him : "Did you get the number of the bus that hit you?"
"But we're not heartless, our psychologist asked him to open his wallet and put some money on the table. Then she began to guide him : 'Stan - ugly, Stan's money handsome. Look in mirror see real Stan, look on table see Stan's personality. It's heartbreaking really, it'd be easier to train a monkey."
"Then we were amazed by the "gorgeous" Ray Parlour. Ray has it all but what with proper care and a goodly amount of Penicillin, most of it should be treatable. We expect him to go far....away from us or security will be called in".
"Agents suggested we look at lady's man Wayne Rooney. This guy is drop dead gorgeous, my assistant Sharon was trying to work out, if it was thousands of pimples joining together to form a head or was it a head with thousands of pimples? If he wasn't a footballer he'd be after the ladies an' all, it's just that he'd be known to police as that grotesque stalker".
"Don't lose heart, they said, try Beckham, knocks 'em bandy he does. The package seemed fine so we asked him to read for us. - 'Th th the boy hed (held David, don't lose the 'l') held th th th (David you've just done that one, it's "the") ball.' That's very good, does your lobotomy scar trouble you at all?"
"Next up was Sol Campbell. This guy is hoping to do Hamlet one day. He read for the part of 007 : "Awwwl oooi c'n saey Mr Gawldfinner izzat yore toime izup!!" Sharon gave him a sugar cube and led him round to the back. She gently asked whether there were vampires in his family or is it just him who can't see himself in the mirror."
"We were told that if we hadn't found our handsome star then look no further than Rio Ferdinand. We tried to look furher but he was leaning against a wall. What can we say about Rio? He is to handsome what Barry Manilow is to weightlifting. The only decent thing about this 'talent' is if he was forced on us we know where to find the drugs to help us through it.....unless he's out shopping...".
"Teary Henri seemed to be one of the more intelligent offerings on show. We asked him to tell us about himself : 'Monday morning I get up exhausted from the week before. I play too many games. I stagger to the shower and try to revive myself but it's <sniff> so hard. Then I eat <sob, sniff, howl> breakfast, but I'm so tired.....' Teary really is a priceless ass..."
"Our final audition was with Robbie Savage a tall blonde Welshman who even now is a legend in his own mind. He showed us footage of himself playing for different clubs and even though we can't use him we have sent his name to the American Reality show 'Cheaters'. "
"It then dawned on us that James Bond would not be cast on the playing fields of England. There is however a place for these young men in acting and as soon as I finish digging it, I'll let them know!"