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Friday, 15 January 2010

image for Supermarket Store Sources Local Meat
Definately not sourced locally

The UK's most popular supermarket has announced a country wide initiative in which the retail giant will be instructing all its stores to individually source their meat from local suppliers.

After years of complaints from the UK farmers alliance, anti-progress demonstrators and serial petioneers, management have finally succumbed to the pressure and announced that in order meet customer demand and protect local suppliers, from the 1st March, all meat stocked in stores will be from suppliers found withing 1 mile of the store itself.

"That's fantastic news. Finally they are beginning to understand the needs of local communities". Said Bernard Matthewson a local abattoir owner from Norwich. "They have been flying in the Turkey from Cyprus for the past seven years and it's damn near killed us".

I visited a store in Coventry where the company have been trailing its new range. Gone is the plastic packaging where you can see your fresh meat. This particular store has opted to allow its meat to air dry so that all customers can enjoy the healthy chewy sensation of dried out chicken. Another upside of the lack of packaging is that there is no longer any use by dates to scare the customer. Mark E Mark, the store's General Manager said;

"For too long they have been frightening their customer base with haunting phrases such as 'use by' and 'best before'. We now know that it's far better to allow our customers to chose for themselves whether or not the meat is still in date". If you are unsure, vomiting is a good indication.

A spokesperson from the anti-supermarket website made a comment but this was unprintable since the comment made no logical sense and seemed irrelevant.

It is expected that the supermarket's best stocked store will be the express store close to St James's Park tube station in London since there is a healthy stock of locally produced pork close by.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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