Sandringham House - (Rioters): "Hahaha, bet you fifty squid I'll live to 100!"
But Old Fatty Mountbatten's confident riposte today has seen Hellfire Club astrologers rush to their online Ephemeris tables to check for the Doomsday Alignment in HM's Last House of Death and Damnation.
The root of the dilemma is Friday's five planet pile-up in the sign of Capricorn.
The solar eclipse sits squarely on the trainwreck of the Queen's nativity in a Port-Au-Prince, Haiti brothel in 1930.
The natal site was razed to the ground by a 7.2 Richter Scale tremor this Tuesday just ahead of Saturn's assumption of a retrograde spin.
Barricaded in a tin foil-lined Sandringham House panic room HM the Puppet Monarch is oozing confidence.
But the New Year's Eve undertakers convoy is still parked outside, jamming the Norfolk roads in a one mile radius.
Charles and Camilla divorced in secret last August.