Written by Nick Hobbs
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Monday, 11 January 2010

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Kerry Katona this afternoon.

Kerry Katona has hightailed it from her fat fighting rehab course. The portly pie bin was seen trying to scale a security wall at the rear of the Kent weight loss centre.

She had only been in there for three days, but had evidently had enough. Or maybe not enough, to eat.

Bob Templeton, 45, is the groundskeeper at the celebrity establishment, he told me "Miss Katona was there, she just couldn't take it, so she asked if I could get her out. I had to oblige, I felt sorry for the poor thing, she hasn't had it good of late."

Templeton, an ex-military profiler, managed to smuggle a rope to the rear of the premises and set it up so Miss Katona could just climb up and over the 20ft wall. However, he did not account for the size of Katona's arse.

"The poor love just didn't physically have the arm strength to pull her saddlebags up two feet, let alone twenty!" said Templeton, "in the end I had to find a ladder."

Luckily a building firm were doing reconstruction work to the west wing of the facility, so Mr Templeton was able to 'borrow' a hydraulic man platform.

"That got her up and over in no time," Templeton gushed, "as soon as she hit the other side, she just turned and gave me a smile and a quick wave, then she was gone. Off into the sunset. I'll never forget that smile."

A crack squad has been sent out to track down Katona. They are searching all nearby chippies and kebab houses. Members of the public are being warned not to approach her unless you have plenty of food to subdue her with.

More as we regret it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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