Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Health, Britain, Snow

Monday, 11 January 2010

image for Horror: Pandemic Sweeps Snow Battered Britain!
"Over here! I'm stupid!!!"

Doctor's today confirmed that Britain is in the grip of a potentially fatal 'stupid' disease.

Dr. Mo Hislop, 36, said "early signs are showing a massive pandemic spreading south through the country."

The disease has caused many deaths in Britain so far, and coincides with the start of the snow and ice that has recently battered the mainland and it's outlying islands.

"The disease manifests as a slight cold," continued Dr. Hislop, "and then takes over the motor neurone system and effectively controls that persons muscular function."

Symptoms include driving at speed through built up areas on obviously dangerously icy roads, trying to brake suddenly when you've been following a large tanker truck too closely, running on icy pavements, walking on frozen lakes, stamping hard on the ice of a frozen lake and cycling to work in this weather.

John Lloyd, 18 from Uffington, is a rare and lucky survivor of the disease. He told us from his hospital bed, "me and my mates just thought I had a sniffle. Before I knew it I had got my mum's best silver tray and decided to sled down White Horse Hill on it."

Mr. Lloyd ended up 2 miles away and had traversed several minor B roads and two major A roads, unbelievably missing all traffic. He had also crossed three brooks, a river and several fields and ditches. He was not so lucky when he came to rest in Joe Bogg's greenhouse.

"We expect Mr. Lloyd to make a full recovery," Dr. Hislop told us, "he is suffering from some major cuts and two broken legs. As for the disease, if you or any of your family begin to show signs of doing anything stupid, please get them to your local medical centre as soon as you can, once there we can sedate them until the snow passes."

Sage advice indeed, Dr. Hislop. Now, where's my pogo stick, I feel like bouncing to work today....

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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