Written by Mary Malone
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Sunday, 10 January 2010

The notorious East Sussex suicide spot Beachy Head has claimed a number of lives over the years and has even seen a voluntary patrol on a part-time basis.

In a recent Cabinet meeting which was attended by representatives of local police, rescue services and various other interested parties, there were discussions on how more lives could be saved.

A number of ideas were discussed, but the final decision of the Cabinet was to recommend that a line of used piss-stained mattresses should be placed along the bottom of the cliffs to cushion the fall of those who are desperate enough to tumble over the edge.

One walker interviewed by this reporter at the scene said "If they had done this a year ago it may have saved my Benji (his dog) who fell over the edge chasing a rabbit."

A police spokesman said "This plan has been thoroughly researched and discussed. It was chosen for implementation on the grounds of cost and being environmentally friendly as it recycles old mattresses which would otherwise have been left on council tips to rot."

A spokesman for a charity welcomed the move stating that if the implementation was successful they would be able to end their patrols.

One local MP stated that he was very excited by the idea and was seriously considering testing the mattresses for himself by jumping over the edge close to the lighthouse. He has the added advantage that with his weight he has a built-in bouyancy device should he miss the mattresses when he jumps.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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