As if there wasn't enough fall out over the revelation that a 19 year old butcher boy was 'grinding' his 59 year old customer amid further claims of monetary impropriety on her part, the other shoe is ready to fall with the announced publication of "The Butcher Boy's Story/ How I Prepared My Meat for Sexual Success On A Tough Old Cow!"
Previewers of the book, which has already gone into its second printing, said it rivals the erotic classic "Lady Chatterley's Lover", even though most of the scenes take place on the kitchen island and not in a 'green house', they are even more erotic, according to food lovers. Vegetarians may not be as enthralled, but it does provide a good read according to some who prefer vegetable sex.
The woman's insatiable seducer in the movie of the same name, appears to have taken a fancy to the Butcher Boy at an early age, grooming him from the age of 9 until he was 19 when she expected, according to him "to bring home the bacon!"
Identified only as Chef Richard, the accent on Richard leaning to the French pronunciation, or as he is know by his former Mates as 'Dick', for short, the Butcher Boy soon fell under the spell of the much older seductress, and by all accounts was a quick study, and soon added his butcher shop skills to their erotic sex games.
"See...it was like this, wassint,...she really got excited around the store...I seen it right away, like, she was itchy and girlish an all...I could tell summit jest would come over her around all that raw meat...always fondling the soup bones....strange!
Dick claims their first sexual encounter took place in one of her family homes while her husband, the First Minister of Northern Ireland was away.
"First she stripped....NAKED she was...then she lay down on the center island in the kitchen, the food prep area, and told me to do her up for supper!"
"It was kinda kinky an all, mate, but, I've been around raw meat all me life, and I've even tenderized some tough old cows in me time...so I did what come naturally. Told her I was going to do her up like a roast goose!"
Dick went on, but not in a Julia Child way, to describe how he proceeded with preparing his first meal with her.
"Naturally, I removed all her body hair, pretending they was feathers and all, then of course there was the enema...that really had her squirming, let me tell you....! I fixed up a nice sausage and sage stuffing with some cornbread filler, and stuffed her right up. Then I used some clothes line to truss up her legs and arms, coated her with some olive oil, thyme, salt and pepper, and she was ready to pop in the oven!"
Dick was asked if he actually intended to cook his trussed goose.
"Course not, Mate, by that time she was screaming bloody murder in the throes of sexual excitement beyond my comprehension....I figured that this was the highlight of her life which she considered foreplay, or as we called it later "Fowl Play"...good en, innit?"
"Anyway, no sense muckin' round much more, said I, I cleaned up the kitchen then returned my attention to my horny goose, climbed up on the table and right there stuffed her agin....and agin...a real goodin' it was too! Stuffin' all over the table by the time we got done, quite a mess it twas!"
Dick went on to explain the affair lasted several months, all but exhausting his food preparation talents. He mentioned a few of his specialties that will be highlighted in the book:
- Beef Wellington: hand kneaded filo dough encompassing the entire body, lightly salted, brushed with garlic laced Virgin Olive Oil, and presented with Haricot Verts placed in various orifices.
- Rack of Lamb: Body presented with legs in air, with little wool booties placed over feet for some colour. Presentation should rest on counter for at least 30 minutes allowing meat to come to proper temperature and tenderness. Succulent!
- Crown of Pork: Body formed into a hoola hoop shape and trussed hands to ankles for a perfect circle. As soon as meat is properly trussed, place on a large spit and rotate it slowly until presentation is completely "cooked', or else cries for mercy.
According to Irish locals, Butchers are now so besieged by Irish lasses they are open only 'by appointment' due to the demand.
One Irish brick layer, tired of laying bricks, says he's had enough of the rough trade.
"Bunch of Shite, really," said long time bricky Fergus McCarthy, " been in me trade for years, laid over a hundred thousand bricks...all on the level...can't get myself laid atol...no sense to it. I'm givin' it all up to make hamburger down the corner market...the wife even says she'll give me a try agin!"
"No sense to it...none at all, might as well go Fook meself and call it meat loaf!"