The personal hygiene of God has once again been put in the spotlight following the freakishly heavy snow showers that have gripped the nation in a very tight grip indeed.
As every reader of The Bible knows, God has long hair and a very bushy beard. This causes severe problems from time to time - especially when he goes on a tree-day drinking bender and forgets to wash himself properly.
This is believed to be the root of our hideous weather conditions lately.
God's scaly scalp is flaking away like a fat child on the beach eating the Flake from a 99 ice-cream cone. The greasy bastard deity is itching and scratching that diseased head of his and it is falling as snow.
Children have been advised not to catch snowflakes on their tongues any more - for obvious reasons.
Emergency supplies of Head & Shoulders shampoo have been airlifted to Heaven, but rescue teams are in difficulties because they cannot decide where it is. Some think it is just beyond the clouds, near a beautiful rainbow.
Others have been listening to too much Belinda Carlisle records and think that Heaven is a place on Earth.
"God better wash quickly or else we could have a major humanitarian disaster on our hands", said a man in charge of something that nobody else wanted to be in charge of.
Flooding, acid-rain and other weather-related events were caused by God pissing. He was so drunk from a weekend of revelry with the Archangel Gabriel that he couldn't direct his aim into the toilet correctly.
He still refuses to wear those rubber underpants he wife bought him for his 5,000th birthday.