Following thousands of reported zombie sightings in the UK, Downing Street this afternoon officially placed the nation on Red Alert.
Emergency call centres have been inundated with calls from terrified homeowners claiming to have spotted zombies in their thousands out on the streets of our major cities, towns, and even some villages.
This reporting team sped immediately in our 4x4 all terrain vehicle (speeding along at 4mph) to the town of Eastleigh, near Southampton.
There we stopped at an address to the north east of the station and were invited in by a very nervous old lady who introduced herself as Winnie Hooargh. Who made us a nice cup of tea, served with a plate of bourbon cream biscuits.
"Now then," our ace reporter prompted. "About the zombies Mrs Hooargh...?"
"Well, argh," said Winnie. "Oi sin 'em iss marnin. Walkin' down the street juss loik them zombies in that 'Thrilling' video and 'Sean Of The Dead' Zem wuzz walkin' roight slow loik, wayvin' their arms in the air and sorta weavin' from zoid to zoid like dem drunk. Look! Dare's one roight now!"
Looking out of the window, we saw a solitary pedestrian, a middle aged man wearing wellies struggling to keep his footing on the icy, snow bound ground.
"Winnie?" our ace reporter prompted. "These zombies?"
"Did you see any before we had the big freeze? Before we had the snow and the ice?"
Winnie Hooargh shook her head in the negative.
Zombies my arse.