At 11h00 on this the 9th day of April 2008 Britain and America declared war on Osama Bin Laden and his allies. We enclose herewith this report on the rest of the day which was filed by Sky News David Chater.
"Good evening from Manchester following an incredibly eventful day. The horror started when Joe Brown from Luton was captured by hostage takers at 11h02. At 11h05 Sky aired Joe's wife, his mother, two daughters and the butchers wife who thinks she knows him. The sobbing, wailing and gnashing of teeth regarding Joe 56, who none of them visit save the wife, was heart breaking. They called on prime minister Blair to show good faith".
"At 11h30 pursuant to pressure from the media prime minister Blair ordered all forces outside of Britain to fire only if fired upon. Many British people living abroad are the first beneficiaries of this policy as they have become bullet takers".
"12h15 and after Sky's interview with Agnes Smith, Joe Brown's cousin from New York who last saw Joe 35 years ago but managed to tear her clothes, beat her breasts and swear to hunt down Blair if he didn't intervene, the prime minister ordered all troops within Britain to stand down pending further orders".
"13h45 brings confirmation that the Hostage Takers have seized the Midland cities of Nottingham, Leicester, Derby, Wolverhampton and were rolling south. News albeit vague that men in the area were to start growing beards while women were to cover themselves from head to foot. Free thinkers who went out to meet the hostage takers in order to give their views on how a joint government could work were buried in a mass grave in Chesterfield. Units of the British army who could have walked all over this said that they daren't risk Joe's wellbeing".
14h45 Joe Brown's nanny's daughter who once heard about Joe 34 years ago howls uncontrolably as Osama's militia pour into London. One of their leaders in an interview confirm that the tactic was to capture one middle aged Englishman and then let Sky and the media on the left destroy the British will to defend itself. He says that the British press are marvellous...to the opposition and it was a shame they must all be closed down".
"16h00 Sky presenters are almost in tears as Joe Brown's family and anyone whose ever heard of him wallows and soaks up their moment of glory. When hostage takers seize the studio they are thrown out the back door. "Me friend" in arabic doesn't seem to rescue their jobs for some reason. Anna Botting is told she had better go and find appropriate dress."
"Britain tonight is under martial law imposed by the hostage takers. The British army has refused to fight to rescue the people who have belittled them at every opportunity and always found excuses for the terrible acts of the enemy. At least there will be no more complaints ; put it this way the hostage takers don't stand for views other than their own. As I look out on a bleak future, for a Britain millions died to defend, I can only marvel at the power of the press.