London - (Gonads): "Talent, charisma, star quality? Who needs 'em? With a secret birth Pa like Simon Cowell you can have it all!"
That's this week's LA FagHagSlagMag's lead article as alleged singer, songwriter, dancer, fashion designer, author, reality TV show judge and desperate wannabe Cheryl Tweedy Cole is outed as the megabux TV deal-maker's daughter.
Superb self-publicist Cole once told pals she had taken tips from Princess Diana on getting away with PR stunts that have lined her pockets.
A career masterplan will see her prmoting the same landmines projects that sanitised the tarnished princess's reputation as a hard-shagging, multi-partnered, brainless bimbo.
A source close to Simon Cowell's massive publicity machine said today: "WTF??"
Ashley Cole is about to become a father.