Sandringham - (True Grit): A Do Not Resuscitate tattoo on her octogenarian arse has proved too much for the scrapyard rustbucket sent in to grit the royal innards.
A Russian Christmas Day present from Prime Monster Vladimir Pootin the gritter lorry was supposed to have relined Queen Elizabeth's internal cavity ahead of anticipated January 7th Orthodox merriment.
Instead it collapsed at the Eurotunnel-like entrance, its formidable 20-tonne payload abandoned despite explicit instructions from Russia's Gazprom state hydrocarbons giant.
January 7th would have been puppet monarch Mrs Joseph Ratzinger's 80th birthday.
She's been keeping pretty quiet about it ever since politicians threatened to out her as a royal benefits cheat.
But it's been an open secret for the last 70-odd years since her father invaded Poland and started World War II.
Meanwhile the approach roads outside the Sandringham House estate in Norfolk are still jammed with a convoy of hearses in eager anticipation of some useful funerary business.
Rumors of a double-whammy Russian Orthodox Christmas demise have warmed the cockles of local undertakers who just happen to be offering a special BOGOF deal this year on their buy-one-get-one-free House of Ratzinger winter special.
The Duke of Edinburgh is well past his sell-by.