As the big freeze brought Arctic conditions to parts of the UK, with snow tumbling from the sky like wet confetti, roads blocked by ice and abandoned vehicles, and the entire transport infrastructure in tatters, at least certain minority groups had reason to celebrate.
"It's lovely isn't it?" Jeremy Tarquindale of the Home Counties Gay Alliance, told us. "It's all so pure and virginal, and it makes even the most rugged macho hetero male walk like a great big mincing poofter as he tries to avoid falling on his arse on the ice underfoot. It's like the entire nation is taking part in an interactive production of a gay Swan Lake. Lovely. Very balletic."
"This is exactly how Britain should be," facist spokesman Lars Thurgood told us from his Winchester office. "White. A big shiny white Britain. It's God's will to have a white Britain. You just don't get brown snow. Or black snow, only WHITE WHITE WHITE!"
In related news, a tanker shed its load of fresh orange juice on the M3. Snow cone lovers have been advised to bring their own cups.
More as we get it.