Written by Rebut
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Topics: Premiership, nuclear

Tuesday, 21 September 2004

image for Coca-Cola Nuclear Premiership
Great Attacking Throw By Pakistan

This is the world service of the BBC, this Saturday afternoon on the 14th of May 2008. This afternoon, as is fast becoming our norm, we will be crossing to one of our featured games in the 2008 Coca-Cola Nuclear Premiership. In addition we will be bringing you weather updates as well as some light music selected by my producer Staid Butplayedon.

Without further ado let's join your commentators Martin Tyler and Andy Gray who are in Pyongyang : "Good afternoon from me Martin Tyler on what is a wet and blustery day in the North Korean Capital. North Korea are facing a determined challenge from Pakistan who lost 1-0 to India last week. The Pakistani captain was very upset about the result because even though India did manage to obliterate Quetta, Pakistan felt that their killing 1.8 million as opposed to 620 000 by the Indians was worthy of the 3 points. Andy Gray..."

"Aye weel thanke Ma tin, och I dinno so much it mus' cum doon ta agressun...passion ye ken...poin less terning oop if ye dinna wanna win.."

"Quite, if you've just joined us I can give you two morning kick-offs, so to speak...USA 9 Nigeria 0, the Nigerians who bought that second hand warhead from the Russians not faring so well I'm afraid, the groundsman in Nigeria has confirmed that the country will be out of action for about 10 000 years and in a promotion relegation match Australia 1 New Zealand 1, Australia will stay up as a single nuke appears to have totalled New Zealand as a whole. The Haka not helping there eh Andy?"

"..hee hee, och na the ol' Haka mon, spose hee hee they were hopin' it wood be summit like a spirit tae rid them o' hellish fire Ma tin..."

"In the other live game Britain has just taken a 2-1 lead over China. Beijing has been hit twice while China responded late in the half with a strike on Norwich. Apparently the ICBM's were all out of the top drawer. Anyhow let's focus on Pyongyang where it's all happening. The North Koreans full of fighting spirit and ready to launch shortly with news coming in from Pakistan that two of the eight warheads acquired from America are doubtful.."

"....hee hee och hoots the noo mon, wa a clamity, bet oor mon in Pakistan is oor he's heed wi' rage...."

"Interesting snippet to hand, Israel have been refused entry to the tournament with all Arab countries threatening a boycott if they're allowed in..."

"Aye tha wood be a huge blow tae their hopes of a title mon...."

"The engines have ignited, the technicians are backing away furiosly, the combined fission/fusion weapon is ready to go....any second now.."

{interupted for Perry Como's : "And I love you so..."}

Studio : Remember there's a roundup of all Coca-Cola Premiership matches just before 7 o clock...but without further ado let's rejoin Martin and Andy in Pyongyang.....

"aaaaaaaaaaaarrrggghhhhh....we're going to diiiee!!"

{Ray Coniff's : "Memories are made of this")

Studio : They don't make them like that anymore. London will be cloudy with a high of 8, Midlands dry with a high of 9 and Scotland will be wet with a high of 4...there is no gale warning, I repeat no gale warning....Back to Martin and Andy in Pyongyang...

"Sorry about that studio but these geniuses put the commentary box behind the launcher..."

"Aye 'e were nearly to'st......"

"Well it's all over and a great result for Pakistan. The North Koreans were full of running...sprinting really, as the Pakistani nukes x 3 arrived in Pyongyang. It was awesome and should leave the capital empty for many centuries to come. For their part the North Korean effort failed to clear the hill in front of us and to everyone's relief failed to explode. As we make our way away from Pyongyang spare a thought for the North Koreans who won't see this as 2 million dead but 3 points lost. Martin Tyler and Andy Gray for the BBC world service."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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