Sandringham, Norfuk - (YuleBeSorry!): A karmic Sun/Pluto conjunction on Christmas Eve is needling Hellfire Club fatcats.
Paranoid that it may trigger the Coronation Oath harakiri clause the ancient monarchy-meddling cult is on suicide-pact standby.
The 1953 ritual invocation guaranteeing constitutional bedrock of non-alignment with Nazis has been broken more times than Tiger Woods' marriage vows.
As House of Windsor tribute acts gather for the annual Sandringham Christmas freakshow Queen Elizabeth is reportedly barricaded in the panic room.
Armed with a barrel of gin and a Sat-Nav remote tracking Tiger Woods' ocean-going cruiser HM is inconsolable at being dissed during the recent mistress-shagging mediafest.
Her only sympathetic contact with the outside world is an open webcam to Austrian dungeonmaster Joseph Fritzl's Viennese jail cell.
But the incest nutter too has begun ignoring her frantic pleas for reassurance.
As Venus, planet of love and luck, prepares for its annual ingress of Capricorn and the awesome Sun/Pluto conjunction squares up to Saturn bookmakers are slashing the odds for a right royal farce.
"Twentyfive-to-one on her popping her clogs on Christmas Day?" online betting agency Aintgottaprayer.con commented.
"Don't make me laugh. Vampires are immortal!"