Written by matwil
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Topics: Snow

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

image for First snow fall in South-East England ever makes region grind to a halt
'Don't panic, Mr, Mainwaring!'

For 4,000 years since the end of the last Ice Age, when the English Channel's water melted and soon the English were arriving in Kent to start Morris dancing, playing cricket and generally being odd, there has never been any snow in that part of the world. Until 2009.

'It woz 'orrible!', Mrs. Elsie Saxon said, in Ashford, Kent, 'I just can't believe it - snow! I'm going to cry now, snow is something that only 'appens in chilly Jocko land and Norway, innit? I blame Brown!'

Prime Minister Gordon Brown himself suppressed a laugh to say: 'Oh dear, how tragically tragic for the South-East of England to get some snow. Tragic. I'm lost for words at seeing those mighty Anglo-Saxon warriors defeated by what us Scots call 'a wee snow shower'! Even the Northerners in England laugh at these 'southern softies!' Tragic. Heh heh heh ...'

Weather forecasters in England, who are the world's worst but most expensively paid ones, had this to say about the current freeze. 'Er.' While local news programmes from Kent to Devon reported the totally unhazardous weather as if a nuclear missile had struck the area, interviewing people in tears and reporting thousands unable to get to their work at whatever the South-East of England actually does nowadays, a part of the world about as relevant now as the USA.

But less than 30 miles from Kent there was much merriment among England's traditional enemies, the French. 'Ah, les rosbifs, they think they are so tough, but a bit of snow and they have a, how you say eet, nervous breaking downs.'

Ben Nevis was waiting for more English victims to come and chance their arms at climbing its west face this week, Scottish ambulances were put on alert once again.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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