Downing Street, Friday - (Rioters) The gold-leaf embossed, guilt-edged party invitations stand proud on the mantlepieces of some of the UK's worst fraudsters, money launderers, terrorists, perjurers, blackmailers and George W Bush sycophants tonight as the Prime Minister prepares to throw a lavish champagne reception for his wife's 50th birthday at the official countryside residence of Chequers on the third anniversary of the 9/11 massacre in Lower Manhattan.
Lord Sainsbury, Lord Levy, Sir Richard Branson, Gordon Brown, Andrew Parker Bowles, General Sir Michael Jackson, Lord Irvine, Alastair Campbell, Sir Richard Dearlove, Dame Stella Rimington and Sir John Scarlett head the A List of smug got-away-with-it felons, confident of their criminal histories being forever whitewashed under Peter Mandelson's Good Friday Agreement and underpinned by the UK's notorious paedophile charter, the Data Protection Act (Soham Amendment, Ian Huntley clause).
The Cristal Brut is already on ice as Cherie and her best friend Carole Caplin spend the day having their blackheads sandblasted, their cellulite pummelled and recent botox implants topped up in preparation for what is already being billed as THE gala reception of the year.
With luminaries such as Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain designer Kathryn Gustafson and her partner, George Bush appointee as new CIA head Porter Goss, on the glittering invitations list, the Premier's wife is sparing no effort to look her very best and most glamorous. Rumours on the London haute couture grapevine suggest she has flown in Laura Bush's personal dressmaker to advise on the gown that will make such a splash on the front pages of the UK Sunday newspapers as well as Hello! magazine which is said to be sponsoring the event in conjunction with the manufacturers of Lassie dogfood.
Jamie Oliver is believed to be cooking crabs as the main course on the evening's menu while entertainment is to be provided by a troupe of international artistes headed by "Posh Spice" Victoria Beckham, singing her personal rendition of "My Way".
Metropolitan Police Political Protection Squad officers will patrol the countryside around Chequers armed with a range of weapons including taser stun guns and lie-detectors, in case ugly rumours about Mrs Blair's late father, ex-Mirror Newspapers boss and convicted fraudster Robert Maxwell, resurface and prompt a mass reaction of spontaneous projectile vomiting from residents of leafy South Bucks.
A spokesman for No 10 Downing Street said today:"It will be a low-key, family-oriented event, funded by recent VAT increases on domestic utility bills such as gas, electricity, water, etc., and will form a part of the Labour Party's forthcoming election manifesto."
No word as yet on whether an unscheduled trans-Atlantic visit from President George W Bush and his wife Laura is expected, although a SAS battallion is rumoured to be standing by at RAF Northolt armed with air-to-surface misilles, just in case.....