Written by Katarina Frogpond2
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Topics: Snow

Friday, 18 December 2009

image for Attack of The Killer Snow
The molecular consistency of Killer "English Snow".

Katarina Frogpond has discovered a new destructive force of nature that is capable of bringing entire cities to a standstill. Its called "English Snow" and it is, apparently, a very dangerous substance indeed.

From evidence obtained today, from watching BBC News 24, Katarina has come to the conclusion that "English snow" is very, very much different from Scottish snow.

In Scotland when it snows, the council sends out the road gritters, commuters put their hats and coats on, and everyone goes about their business as normal. Even when the snow reaches such terrifying depths as 6 inches, Scotland still copes. Such is the benignity of Scottish snow.

But "English snow" it seems has the power to ground aeroplanes, de-rail trains, and shut schools and offices. Apparently "English snow" is even more dangerous than terrorists and global warming put together.

Katarina was so shocked and horrified by what she saw, that she phoned up the Scottish Parliament to ask Alex Salmond to send England some International Aid. She was even more horrified when he refused. He didn't seem to think that snow was that big a problem.

"Its a natural disaster." Katarina Explained "They need money. How are they going to celebrate Christmas with all that snow? Its such a catastrophic unseasonal surprise. And its not like its just normal snow. Its English Snow."

"OH MY GOD." Said Alex Salmond. "I thought you were just talking about the same kind of snow that we get here."

"No. Its English." Clarified Katarina.

"So its not just the same kind they get in Canada and the artic Poles?" He asked.

"No. Its English Snow." Shouted Katarina again. "That's what I'm trying to tell you. Its a disaster. Its like the Indian Tsunami all over again. They need help, and they need it now."

"I'll phone Bob Geldof." Said Alex. "He knows what to do in a Christmas Crisis."

"Thank you." Said Katarina, totally relieved. "I'm glad you understand the severity of the problem. Now, what are you going to do about Santa's Edinburgh Christmas present embarrassment. Its been 200 years since the people of Edinburgh got anything from that mean old man."

Alex Salmond, look nervous. Katarina had stumbled on extremely dodgy territory.

"That's a diplomatic matter, Katarina." He said. "You don't want to go messing in affairs like that. It was an Edinburgh person that ate his reindeer, you know. If we push Santa and the Laplanders on the Ediburgh issue, God knows what could happen."

"What?" Asked Katarina.

"I might tell you next Tuesday"

"Promise?"

"Yes." Said Alex. "But I'll have to go now Katarina, I have save England from the evil "English snow". Would you like to come and help. I'll let you drive a snow plough."

"No thank you, Alex," Said Katarina. "I'll just watch it on the telly."

By Katarina Frogpond.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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