Written by IainB
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Thursday, 17 December 2009

image for Elf and Safety
The beard is a fire risk...it's got to go!

It is bad news for children this coming festive period as Santa's annual delivery process has been halted following news that the Elf for Safety has deemed his workshop and delivery methods unsafe.

The Safety Elf, Little Paul, concluded a six month long evaluation of the workshop and delivery practices employed by Father Christmas, and issued an injunction to prevent further work until the conditions are improved.

"Currently, all the elves are using scissors to slice up the wrapping paper," said Little Paul. "This is unacceptable without extensive safety equipment. At the very least, industrial gloves and eye protection should be provided. In addition, with the heavy machinery used for creating the various gifts mean that there is a significant risk of drop hazard, and all elves should have their soft felt hats replaced by hard plastic safety helmets."

When it came to Saint Nick's deliveries, Little Paul was even more scathing. "The whole endeavour is completely fraught with safety issues. There are no restraints of any kind in Santa's sleigh, a glowing red reindeer nose is insufficient alert lighting for other aircraft in the vicinity. When Santa drops off the presents, he uses no safety harnesses or lowering gear and he is landing the sleigh on slippery snow covered roofs. A nightmare."

The elf has completed a twelve hundred page risk assessment, and Christmas will not continue until the three hundred and fifteen risk conditions have been solved.

"Sorry children," said Santa. "We've never had an accident here, but the Elf for Safety's gone mad!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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