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Monday, 6 September 2004

Works and Pension Minister Andrew Smith today resigned his post in accordance with an official letter to the prime minister. Tony Blair in turn could do little else but accept his resignation and thank him for his service to the British people. All well and good until you read the unofficial letter.

Dear Tony

Sitting here in the lounge looking into the garden I have come to the conclussion that you and Cherie cannot have our home when you retire. As career ending as this may be, it's our home and we like it.

Unlike Berlusconi and Sir Cliff we may not be able to offer you free holidays but that doesn't mean we're giving you our house either. I'd also just make mention of the little tantrum that your wife threw in the living room on Tuesday. Please tell her from us that feet stamping is one thing throwing our furniture quite another.

It was also not what one expects from the prime minister's wife when she is refused a sample of the wife's work. As you know the wife makes pianos and a sample is hardly that.

You can also tell Cherie that her thinly disguised threats, constantly referring to MI5 and MI6 were equally misguided. Jumping up and down and asking if she was going Scarlett was quite frankly bizarre particularly if you recall that John Scarlett and I were at school together.

All of that paled into insignificance when compared with dessert. As you will recall you were just finishing your Baked Alaska when your wife said to mine that Dr David Kelly was the unfortunate product of a refusal to go along to get along.

I was gobsmacked, my chocolate eclair went down the wrong way and I did a pretty good Scarlett of my own. "How dare you madam?!! You come into my home and demand "gifts" and when you are refused you dare to make these outrageous threats!!"

You sir, instead of telling that vixen a thing or two were babbling on about "your Cherieship" and "the flats in Bristol being far too small for a piano". Why not just give that woman an Uzi and be done with it!!

Sir I would no longer consider myself as your Works and Pension Minister. In fact I would rather be the Works and Pension Minister of Sudan than be your Chancellor. At least there the only threat is genocide and starvation.

I enclose herewith a cutesy letter of resignation which you can pass off as the real thing. I trust that you will have the decency not to insult my family or myself. While you're at it I suggest you get a muzzle and a leash for that vixen.

Yours faithfully

Andrew Smith
Former Minister of Works and Pensions.

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