As promised, X-factors Joe McElderry has revealed all to Katarina Frogpond (that's me.) Now Katarina Frogpond is going to tell you all about the revelations that he revealed to her.
After an extensive under cover investigation, which took Joe, the Geordie X-factor winner, away from his native Geordieland to London, he can now tell the world who stole the priceless Geordie treasure "Tyne Bridge in Abstract Autumn Sunlight".
The painting, which was painted by the footballing and artistic genius Alan Shearer, was stolen last month shortly before it was due to be raffled for the Bobby Robson Memorial Foundation.
Everyone knew the culprit was Geordie McMaxwell, the world infamous International Art Thief, but no one knew "his" identity. No one had ever seen him before. They'd only seen his calling card. However, The finger of suspicion was pointed in the direction of Kevin Keegan, and this was when X-factor winner Joe had to step in.
"I just couldn't stand by and watch me hero go to jail for a crime he didn't dae, like" Said Joe. "So I volunteered to leave Geordieland and go down to scary London to see if I could find out who really did it"
"And who was it?" Asked Katarina.
"It were a reet bonnie lass called Eugenie." Said Joe. "She told me her granny was the Queen"
"Are you talking about Princess Eugenie, the well known Geordie Art Student, who was doing work experience at Newcastle United Football club at the time of the crime"
"Aye" Said Joe. "It were her alreet. But a diven't believe her granny's the Queen, likes."
"She is." Confirmed Katarina.
"Aye, Well, whatever." Said Joe. "But I saw her in a Pub in Camden town and she invited me back to her hoose. And that's when I saw the Geordie treasure on her living room wall.
"No." Gasped Katarina.
"Aye. It were on her wall. She also had The "I Scream" that she stole from the Apple Mac People at Sillicon valley on her kitchen wall, and some sort of crown sitting on the hall table. She said her granny leant it to her to wear out on the Town, but who's granny does that?"
"Her's." Said Katarina. "She's a Princess. Her granny's the Queen."
"You keep saying that." Said Joe. "But anyway. She had stolen 75 paintings, costing £789,000,000,000,000, and I persuaded her to give them all back. But the minute she returned them all to Camden Police Station, she ran away into the night, and I haven't seen her since"
"Is she on the run again, then?" Katarina Asked.
"Yeah. But don't worry." Said Joe. "I'm Vampire Joe McElderry, X-factor winner and Secret Agent art detective. I'll find her... but first I want to enjoy being a famous pop star for a while. I did win the X-factor, you know."
"Fair enough" Said Katarina. "But don't take too long a break, though, Joe, because I heard on the Art Network that she's planning to go for the the big one next time."
"Oh No. Not the..."
"Yes, that's right, Joe." confirmed Katarina. "The Angel of the North. Word on the street is that her Granny wants it for a water feature for her garden"
"Katarina Frogpond," Squealed Geordie Joe. "We can't let her do that. Me and you have to join forces right now, to guard the Angel of the North night and day until she's found. I know its cold and we'll have to guard it all through Christmas and New Year, but when you love the Ancient Geordie treasures of the North as much as me and you do, its all worthwhile. Come on Katarina, lets go."
"Em, Nah, I've got work to do at Spoof News" Said Katarina. "I've got a job to do. I have to hunt down bizarre and strange news stories wherever they may be. So, as you can see I'm a bit busy...and I've got a few Christmas parties to go to... and I don't really like the cold... But I'm sure Cheryl Cole would help you".
"Great Idea, Katarina." Said Joe. "I'm off to give her a phone"
"Good luck with your mission, Joe." Said Katarina. "Give me a call if you've got any more revelations."
"I will, Katarina, don't you worry. You're the only Journalist I'll ever talk to"
By Katarina Frogpond.