Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, was today accused of hogging the duvet by his ever loving wife, Anne.
Standing in the street, in her underwear, Anne told us:
"He's a nightmare. Especially when he's had a few beers. He thinks he's still walking up Warwick Road fighting with the ICF. He flings his arms about and shouts about Manchester United all the time. He still goes on in his sleep about Andrei Kanchelskis putting a cross in for Eric Cantona to score against City. Then he wraps himself up in the duvet and mutters crap about Ryan Giggs and Roy Keane and 1999 when they won the treble. I could tolerate that, but when he hogs the duvet it leaves my arse out in the cold."
Martin Shuttlecock, devastated by these Tiger Woods type revelations, told us:
"Oh yeah. I'm the bad guy. I'm always the bad guy. All I ever do with my life is post bullshit stories on the Spoof, and take the piss out of people I perceive as being bad guys, people who shall remain nameless, because they can't afford to buy a decent pair of shoes. But she doesn't tell you about how she snores. Fuck me, she snores so loud that she wakes herself up. I'd steal the duvet from her every night if I could, but she's just too formidable."
We spoke to Professor Alan J Arseache from the University Of Daft Twats in Preston, Lancashire, and he told us very solemnly:
"Married couples often experience what we call 'Duvet Wars' and we've found that, through extensive research, the best way to deal with this unpleasant phenomenon is to shag each other senseless, until breathing becomes a problem. That way, nobody gives a shit who hogs the duvet."
More for Fergus McCarthy as we get it.