Joe McElderry has confirmed today that the rumours about him are all true. He is a Vampire, and those pointy teeth aren't just a coincidental dental misfortune.
"I'm not a bad vampire, though." He says. "I'm a cheeky Geordie Vampire, and we're from quite a different branch of vampire altogether from the ones that suck blood and hang out in gothic castles. That's the Sunderland Vampires."
"But you do still suck blood, don't you" Asked Katarina Frogpond (that's me).
"Oh No." Said Joe, in a horrified Geordie way. "I'm an NHS registered vampire. I'm legal. I qualify for treatment on the NHS. You know, like Methadone addicts. I just go to the Chemist in Benwell and they top up my blood supply with donations from the blood bank, and away I go, back into the community."
"I've never heard of NHS registered Vampires. I've only heard of the ones that murder people. I think you've just made that up" Said Katarina "But even so, that's not the only rumour I wanted you to confirm."
Joe suddenly looks shifty. "I know which rumour that is, and I'll never confirm or deny it. Not even to you, Katarina Frogpond"
"Go on, Joe. We all want to know" Said Katarina. "I'll buy you a pizza."
"Pizza?" Said Joe, the formerly podgy (but now skinny) singer.
"Yes, Joe, a great big Pizza, with extra Peperoni" tempted Katarina, very pleased to have hit on such an easy method of bribary.
"Okay." Said Joe "Its true. I am the Secret Geordie Agent in charge of the investigation into the theft of Alan Shearer's "Tyne Bridge in Autumn Abstract Sunlight"
"Oh MY God" Said Katarina. "I never knew that. That's not the rumour I meant."
"Oh No...that's not fair. You tricked me, Katarina." Said Joe, suddenly horrified by his admission. "Don't tell anyone."
"Have you got any leads." Demanded Katarina. "Are you close to catching...Geordie McMaxwell"
"We've got loads of leads. That's why I'm in London, pretending I've got the X-factor. I'm on the case of Geordie McMaxwell alright...but.."
"What?" Katarina probed.
"...It wasn't.. Wor Kevin Keegan that stole Alan Shearer's Arty Painting. Wor Kev is an innocent man."
"Never." Gasped Katarina. "You mean someone else stole it and let Kevin Keegan(The Ultimate Geordie Hero), take all the blame. Could you tell me who that was, so I can name and shame them?"
"Okay. It was..." And then Joe told Katarina Frogpond who it was.
She was so shocked, and the the news was so explosive, that she decided that the revelation needed its own story. This story will be broadcast to the entire world via spoof News on Tuesday (That's Katarina Frogpond Day, to those who don't already know).
But be warned. Its a shocker. Be prepared to be more shocked than you've ever been before in your entire life.
By Katarina Frogpond.