London - (In the Rough): Leeching off the manhood of champions has been the secret of her longevity.
But the fountain of HM's youth has now dried up as Tiger Woods' prenup lawyers padlock his putter.
Frantic midnight phone calls have gone unanswered, emails blanked and a signed nude portrait - circa '69 - returned unopened.
This week the UK Serious Fraud Squad severed Queen Elizabeth's intravenous drip to a Russian Reserve Bank safety deposit box.
And sequestered the contents to a US Drug Enforcement Agency court order.
"She's blimmin' bonkers at the rejection," a court source said today.
"Without the daily injections of Tiger sperm straight into her sagging cheeks the Queen is shrivelling by the hour!"
A surprise gift of industrial strength hemlock this week somehow managed to slip into the royal private quarters.
"We have no idea who the mystery sender is, of course," a royal protection squad person told reporters.
Internet spread-betting site Aintgottaprayer.con says even money's on Elin Nordeghren Woods.