Written by Trayla Trash
Print this
Topics: Priest, Grand Prix

Wednesday, 1 September 2004

Jason prepares for battle, yesterday

STUNT man and actor Kane Hodder has demanded a celluloid confrontation of biblical proportions with Grand Prix Priest Cornelius Horan.
After sensationally losing out on the part of Jason Voorhees in last year's hit movie Freddy vs Jason, having played the anti-hero four times previously, Hodder demanded a slice of big screen action with the man who smashed Brazilian Vanderlei de Lima's dreams of Olympic gold.
Inspired by Horan's mad dash on to the track in Athens, where he grabbed the stunned athlete "in preparation for the second coming", Hodder said the Irishman would be an ideal sparring partner for Camp Crystal Lake's infamous killer.

"This guy is nuts, just the kind of guy Jason would relish slashing to pieces on a balmy summer's evening by Crystal Lake. After losing out to Ken Kirzinger in Freddy vs Jason, in which they turned my guy into a skinny little bitch, I want to inject some of that old hellfire back into his rotting bones. Cornelius, with his stunning natural black hair and fair Celtic complexion, is like Freddy Krueger in Snow White's clothing. It would be an honour for me to kick his butt on screen."

During his protest, which caught Olympic security officials unaware, Horan was wearing a kilt and beret and on a white shirt he had pinned the words "The Grand Prix Priest. Israel Fulfilment of Prophecy Says The Bible. The Second Coming is Near."
He also had a Star of David attached to his kilt.

After being pushed into the crowd, a grimacing De Lima got away from the spectator and rejoined the race, holding his leg, with around 15 minutes to run. He soon lost the lead to Italian Stefano Baldini. Baldini won the race and De Lima took bronze.

On hearing the lunatic who cost him gold was to become a movie star, the Brazilian athlete is reported to have approached Yu for the chance to play Voorhees and exact a bloody revenge on his attacker.

"I understand Kane's determination to secure this part but after the Olympics I would wipe the floor with the Horan in less than 30 minutes, which is why Ronny Yu decided against hiring me - he is adamant the movie needs to last at least 90 minutes long."

Filming on the new project is to begin in spring 2005 and Yu is in talks with British actress Maggie Smith to reprise the role of Jason's dead mother, seen only in dream sequences since her murder spree in the original Friday 13th.

Yu, speaking from a secret location in Burbank, where he is locked away with the scriptwriters, said: "It is an honour to work with two such psychotic characters - Jason and Cornelius - it has a poetic ring to it. I aim to top box office figures for Freddy vs Jason with this one, it's a gem and I've no doubt it will go down in cinematic history as the day hell came to Crystal Lake."

New Line Cinema refused to comment, however, on speculation that "Freddy kicks Jason's Butt while Michael Myers and Henry the Serial Killer Plot World Domination" (PG) has been axed to make way for the new project.

Make Trayla Trash's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 5 plus 3?

2 8 18 3
40 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more