(Defecated News) Old Labour back in the day when they were socialists, created the NHS as a fair way to allow poor lazy people to get free treatment off the back of hard-working tax-payers. It worked well. The poor sponged off the state and got everything done free, which resulted in the middle classes needing to pay more money in private health insurance to get half-decent treatment because at the freeloaders created waiting lists years long.
But that may all change if Alistair Darling's new plans take effect soon. He plans on introducing Islamic-style Sharia Law punishments for those who impose unfairly on the state. This would include fat bastards who eat shit, then blame it on thyroid problems, smokers who spend their dole money on their cancer sticks, and Scottish people who drink like fish.
The chancellor explained further, "Punishments would involved public flogging and in serious cases, such as daily visits to KFC or high BMI levels, burying them in the ground to shoulder height and stoning till dead. We like to listen to the population, and this is what they want. We've asked numerous citizens in Bradford, Oldham and East London."