New President of Europe, Herman Van Rompuy, better known as Mr. Rumpy Pumpy, has long been known for his like of haiku, federalist super states and, of course, a bit of the old in-out. The bespectacled Belgian has often boasted of his prowess between the sheets, and recently declared to an adoring crowd of young Eurocrats; "they don't call me Mr. Rumpy Pumpy for nothing!"
But now it's not just Mrs. Rompuy who will be a getting a bit of that federast rump pumping action. Because, as one of his first actions as unelected Grand Leader of Europe, Mr. Rumpy Pumpy has declared he plans to share his love with all of Europe! Whether they like it or not!
Speaking from his Brussels love nest yesterday, he explained; "Traditionally, the leader of a territory would have what was known as the "droit de seigneur" or "right of the lord." Basically, it was the right of a ruler to sleep with all the unmarried young people in his territory. As president of Europe, it is obvious to me, in these difficult times, that this is a value we need to bring back. It is also clear to me, with this current economic crisis, that my "droit de seigneur" extends across all of the the European Union. It would clearly be reprehensible and negligent of me, in my duties as European President, not to do my utmost to enforce this law, and to do so to the widest extent possible."
When pressed if this would mean President Rompuy having to have sex with every unmarried young person in Europe he elaborated; "Clearly, uglies and fat chicks would be excluded. This still leaves many millions of people in need of rumpy pumpy, of course, but my good friend Nicolas Sarkozy has offered to help out, and Silvio Berlusconi has hardly been off the phone since we planned this. If it really came down to it, even Gordon Brown could help out with one or two. The vital thing is that we show the people of Europe the love that we, in the EU hierarchy, feel for them, be that oral, vaginal, or even, as we are all inclusive now, anal."
"It's not just about sex." He insisted. "The act is a physical demonstration of what we, in the EU, are doing to the European people, and I intend to show it to as many people as I physically can. My wife not withstanding."
So, there you go folks, if you're not married there's some EU lovin' coming your way. There's never been a better time to say "I do!"