Claygate, Slurrey - (Cock-N-Bull): "Firstly, M'Lud, let me make it clear there were no golf clubs involved," Shark E Blinkenshyster, barrister-at-law to the drunk and wealthy told a Surrey magistrates court today.
"Further, M'Lud, my client categorically denies outraging public decency by squeezing the young lady's bosoms with intent outside The Red Lion.
"It was in fact a simple butt-grope in the the Coach and Whorses saloon bar after some medicinal festive cheer!"
Wood, 69, is charged with drunken affray upon the person of Ms Ekaterina Ivanova, 20, former lapdancer in Soho's Capricorn Club and live-in girlfriend.
Police arrested Woods in Claygate High Street yesterday during a rumpus about Ms Ivanova's Agent Provocateur brassiere (34DD).
Woods has been bailed to return when sober - maybe January - and in the meantime was bound over to keep the piss.