After several years and thousands of pounds spent on research into the spontaneous combustion of gnomes and other a garden ornaments, a West Midlands council has found that because they are made of concrete, they will not burst into flame.
However, this research did not stop them writing a letter to an almost pensioner, ordering her to remove the little folk forthwith; stating the reason which was clearly hidden in paragraph 3,469, subsection c, in the Council Byelaws (2009). They also told the 'young lady' to shift her doormat because equally that could burst into flame when she least expects it.
The 'young lady' concerned who did not wish to be named told In Seine News; "I have never heard anything so ridiculous before - what do they expect me to do? Paint my gnomes with asbestos? Place a fire extinguisher outside the front door? This is health and safety gone mad and it's going to get worse! I am already writing to my MP and also to the National Association of Gnomes (NAG) to protest at my treatment. Anyway, I am insured third party fire and theft on my house insurance. Isn't that what I pay them for?"
"Once, one my gnomes disappeared and sent a postcard from all around the world including one outside New York Fire Department along with the entire crew of 'Pink Watch' and so, if there was a fire danger, they would have been on hand to fight any blaze."