Written by Nick Hobbs
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Saturday, 21 November 2009

image for Annoyed Someone? Get Ready To Be Punched!
Warm up before going outside, there's alot of annoying people out there!

Have you ever been in the pub and the man next to you, who you don't know, starts a conversation? You only went in to get away from the wife or to avoid doing that DIY job she's been pestering you about.

A quiet uninterrupted pint is what's required, then this arse piece who you've never met starts drivelling on about some crap you don't care about.

Well soon you'll be able to do something about it.

Under new proposed EU legislation you will be able to punch him in the nose.

The 'Annoyance Defence' scheme give's you the power to physically deal with any person who annoys you directly.

The outline for the proposal is as follows, there are many facets to this scheme, but these are some of the basics.

If you are in a queue and someone pushes infront of you, then everyone behind the person who has pushed in can punch the pusher-inner. Those who are forward of the pusher-inner have technically not been annoyed, so may not punch the pusher-inner.

If you are at the cinema and a tall/big haired/hat wearing person sits infront of you, you may punch them. But be careful, if you make a lot of fuss or obstruct the view of the person behind you, when you get up to deal the punch, you yourself become liable for a punch in the beak.

If a beggar takes a 'pound for a cup o'tea' and then you find he spent it on beer/fags, you may punch his face.

If a Jehovah's Witness calls and disturbs you during Corrie, you guessed it, PUNCH.

The scheme is the brainchild of Dr Gasto Von Arben of Germany. "Ve haf been thinking ov vays to combat annoyances in life. Many countries encounter zis problem. Ze UK iz not alone."

The scheme does have exceptions though. If a police officer stops you for no good reason, I suggest you don't punch him, they are exempt. And put down the traffic warden, I'm afraid he's exempt as well. Politicians, security firms, stewards and airline pilots all make the exempt list.

Susan Boyle and Katie Price don't though.

Go on, you know you want to.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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