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Topics: Affair

Sunday, 22 August 2004

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News of the World's exclusive on David Blunkett's affair with married woman Kimberly Fortier, has come as news to the Home Secretary. "They are alleging that I was on the Island of Corfu with her and her son, but if that is true I'm going to have my Labrador spayed because she never barked once".

Mr Blunkett said that he realised in hindsight that there may well have been someone there because he had felt a right tit one afternoon but could not for the life of him work out why.

The Sunday Newspaper goes on to say that Mrs Fortier even had her two year old son William with her. "Well anything is possible" said Blunkett "I remember a trip to Cancun where I turned on the radio and do you know for the life of me I could not find it for the next three weeks. If I never hear another Mexican ballad for the rest of my life it won't be too soon".

The Corfu villa is close to that of the mega-rich Lord Rothchild. His Lordship has been complaining bitterly to the tourism board : "that if he has another night of, ' Blunkett crashing around his home trying to find the toilet...swearing and bitching about someone moving his rooms around while he's out', he will be moving on".

Lord Rothchild showed us a letter from the tourism board : "Dear Lord Rothchild, our most humble apologies. We know that Mr Blunkett is two villas down tonight so you should get some peace. Labrador urine can be removed if you use salt and then wash out the carpet....."

News of the World went on to confirm tha the "couple" were seen in many resturaunts in the area. They even have a waiter claiming that Mr Blunkett asked for his fish to be deboned.

"I don't wish to appear like some sort of wet blunkett but I never eat out. So if I did land up in a resturaunt it means I missed that bloody kitchen again and my idiot Labrador headed for the first smell of food. My sense of smell went years ago after the dog fell into a cesspit and I'm battling to find a dog parlour. Last time she popped into the House of Commons the government won a key vote 1-0...gives you an idea".

"Have you tried using a cane?" we asked the Home Secretary. "I did, but after almost a full bottle I could still smell that dog".

Inside sources confirm that the incident had shocked the government. "We are still getting over the time that he was bathing in a trough at Riggoughy Farm because the Labrador had met a mate there. We didn't have the heart to tell him that the farmer was obviously using it to wash lettuce. He was covered in lettuce leaves every day".

The Prime Minister was unavailable for comment but a spokesman said that these things tend to unfold over a few weeks. Asked if he knew where Mr Blunkett was he told us to try and find a Sheepdog with the name of Bumper.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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