Written by Rebut
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Topics: Health, Doctors

Saturday, 21 August 2004

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British health officials say that they are unmoved by the bruhaha in the media and among interest groups regarding the new 5-in-1 jab. A spokesman says that like the 3-in-1 they will look to experts abroad rather than hysterical doctors.

As an example that the 3-in-1 was safe he read out a report from the Zimbabwean Health and Catering Ministry : "President Robert Mugabe himself was a recipient of the vaccination and look at him now. He can swim, ride horses and be all the girl he wants all month round".

But that's not all.....if you buy the new 5-in-1 now, you will receive, absolutely free the full testimony of Michael Jackson's umbrella supplier : "Michael wacko? I think not! His sister's a right tit but Mike is airy, breezy, a metrosexual...you know - walked in the Metro got hit by a car..."

The French Institute For Medical Research took time off from it's war with animal rights activists over experimenting with surrender monkeys to file this report - and file it very badly mind you :

"The president of Fronze is himself....a recipient of the 3-in-1 and vive la president, viva la Fronze, viva la ...FFS where was I (the part of the French spokesman is played by Norman Appelby a tagged Tory Councilor) oui...I'll just pop out after this, weak bladder an' all...healthier babies. And of course it has great side effects - just last week we thought Dressage was really a sport."

The Health Official then proudly read out a report from Australia : "Steve Irwin is nobody's Sheila and he says 'CROIKEY!! Yes that 3-in-1's a big one. She'll cuddle up to ya loike a long lost friend then sting the bejassus out of yer. Oi'd rather chase crocs then have another one of those. Remember I even thought about my baby doing just that".

The Russian Minister For Safety, Security and Keeping Billionaire Oligarchs in their Kennels filed this report :

"The 3-in-1 is a fruity, cheeky little jab much loved by the Russian, used-to-be-working-under-Stalin-man. It not only protects the young against many many types of terrible illnesses it also helps us to brand them at the same time. We insert a microchip into the left......but I've said enough already".

The British health official told the sceptical media that it was all these testimonies from countries around the world which should be believed. "Since when have a bunch of poxy scientists ever come up with anything useful?"

"Look at this one from George W's doctor : 4 years ago in Florida when all seemed lost George W got a Jeb, and just look at him now".

"...and the same can be said about Britain...why just look at Robyn Cook, Clare Short, William Hague...perhaps it's best to stay with our original idea and assess foreign testimonies..."

From Austria's Health and Safety Ministry : "Hans Blix was among the first recipients of the 3-in-1 in Vienna. Today he races around the world finding nothing but being paid a fortune to do it. He is a professor at the University of Vienna running a course on Plankton 101".

Brushing aside questions the Health spokesman stated that if the 3-in-1 was such a huge success worldwide then the 5-in-1 was bound to be even better. He promised a report back before the decade is out and raced outside for a quick one as smoking is banned indoors.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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