Scottish tugboat Susan Boyyle has been wounded in a medieval joust at Warwick Castle last night.
The West Lothian munter was appearing at the joust to settle a score with her old teachers over recent reports she was beaten for being 'a bit of a spazzer.'
"It started quite amicably," said Lenny Tendril, Boyyles old gym master, "then she just turned. She really got bent out of shape about something Sandy said, then flipped."
Sandy Funf, Boyyles mathematics guru, claims "all I said was she was still a bit of a biffa, did she still gorge? She tried to slap me!"
With that, eyewitnesses report a challenge was set, and the two would have a joust to settle who was the best. Funf's horse was brought forward, but Boyyles was delayed due to strengthening issues around the legs.
When this was sorted the joust went ahead. Unfortunately, as the two came together, Boyyle took a 7 inch splinter through the left kidney. As they fell to the ground Funf attempted a broadsword swipe to the head, but was restrained by onlookers. The splinter was removed by pulling.
Boyyle is recovering in a Premier Inn in Loughborough, Funf is booked on a world tour singing 'If I Were A Carpenter' over and over again.