George Osborne, the weaker half of the 'Dark Side' duo aims to reassure City financial bosses that they still have claim to all of the Her Majesty's tax income in a key address helping to 'keep politics as corrupt and inequitable as it should be'.
This comes after he stated that City bonuses should not rise above £2,000.
'I had to state this to keep the mentally inept members of society (i.e. the proletariat) content. Remember, the sooner we get into power, the sooner Cameron and I can remove this 'yoke of false equitability' from conservatism and get back to doing what we know and love best - unfairly exploiting the efforts of the pubic.'
Cheers and upper-class laughter erupt around the conference room, as Boris Johnson lights a Cigar for Osborne to show his gratitude.
However, City bosses have complained about this - one HBOS executive standing up and interrupting Osborne mid-flow exclaiming 'this two-grand limit has the City nervous. The whole point is that we take tax income, invest it in ourselves, nationalise the debts and keep the profits for our own. The conservatives used to support this. Can I still be sure?'
He replies confidently, explaining that Conservatives 'have and will always be friends and avid supporters of corruption, scandal and taxpayer robbery' re-emphasising that 'we do not intend for this to change'.
For the time being, it is safe to state that all is well for City boss lifestyle.