Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Food, Satan, Vegetables

Monday, 16 November 2009

image for Evil Sprouts: Created By Satan, Official!
Christmas lunch. Spoiled by Satan for centuries.

In a shock discovery by Terry O'Flannell, 54, Brussels sprouts have been proven to be the creation of Satan.

Long thought of as the tiny cousin of a cabbage, sprouts are known for their potent gas making capabilities and foul and disgustingly horrible taste. Always dished out during the festive season and not sold the rest of the year round, they have been the nightmare of many a young child the world over.

Cindy Betts, 16, of Manchester said "I hate them, I was force fed them 'til I puked as a kid. Now I can't face being left alone with them, I'm taking medication and bouts of electrotherapy, anything to numb the pain."

Mr O'Flannell, 62 of Hull, was searching through an occult bookstore in Glastonbury when he chanced upon a leatherbound book titled 'Spells For The Under 60's'. Inside he found a hand scrawled letter.

"Basically, I got home and started thumbing through the book, then I noticed this letter at the back," he slathered. "It was, basically, from Satan and it was addressed to God. It said, basically, you spoil my Christmas's every year with your carol singing and holier than thou attitude and shite films on TV, well I'm, basically, gonna ruin your Christmas dinners from now on! Have some of this!"

Beneath this was a sketch of a Brussels sprout and some expletives directed towards the intended reader.

Prof.D. Wiggins, 98, of the Occult School for Birds said "Satan really went OTT on this one, I mean I know he's supposed to be the antithesis of all that is good in the world, you know the big Mr. Evil, but sprouts are just way too much! We didn't do anything to deserve them, it's like killing someone for stealing a penny chew."

The letter has been sent for analysis, but has already been confirmed by Derek Acorah, 108, so it must be real. He states, "this letter is realer than real, it was written by a bad man, a very bad bad bad man, a wicked man, a dispicable man, horrid, wicked, bad man!" He then got taken over by a 'spirit being' and charged around barking and asking for 'Sam to take it off'.

We left.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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