Written by Harry Porter
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Monday, 12 December 2005

image for Queen unveils majestic new look
Looking good Ma'am, looking good.

She may be The Queen, she may be head of the Commonwealth, she may be 78… but, above all, she's one fine looking lady

And Her Majesty has now decided to put the regal dowdy look behind her in favour of a little raunchiness and is spreading her wings as a woman.

Following in the footsteps of such ‘royal' Hollywood elders as Joan Collins, Elizabeth Taylor or the synthetic Demi Moore, the UK's much-loved ruler has had a sensational fashion makeover.

But, unlike her plastic peers, The Queen has held on to her stunning good looks naturally and is now an inspiration to everyone on the wrong side of 50 - never mind 70!

Buckingham Palace has confirmed that fashion guru Sefton Delmer was called in to advise and guide on the new image, with blue-blooded snapper Lord Snowdon being granted the honour of the first photoshoot in the royal gardens.

The results may have rattled the Establishment fuddy-duddies, but they have definitely rattled the locker doors of thousands of British squaddies across the globe.

"The Americans have got Bush as their Commander-in-Chief," said an excited Private Phil McCollar of the Queen's Own Lowland Fusiliers, "but Her Majesty knocks him into a cocked hat.

"It makes you proud to be British, it makes you proud to be one of her soldiers - it makes you proud to be a man!

"Every lad in the barracks has torn down his Vera Lynn pictures and replaced them with ones of The Queen."

But jealousy has surfaced in other ranks - most notably among Britain's jaded stars of screen and stage who have been forced to resort to the world of medical science or the surgeon's knife to try and salvage some of their fading and drooping looks.

Celebrity model Jordan admitted that The Queen's natural good looks had prompted her to consider reducing her own sizeable, silicon assets.

"It's a bit of a con," she said. "I mean she's never 78 for starters. She has two birthdays a year so that only makes her 34; plus she's got tons of money so she can go and hire someone like Sefton Delmer to give her that sexy new look."

Palace insiders have revealed that Her Majesty's majestic makeover has also put weary Cherie Blair's nose out of joint.

The 65-year-old wife of beleaguered Prime Minister Tony Blair made the headlines as a senior pin-up when she was signed up to be the new face - and bodice - of American underwear giant, Victoria's Secret. Signed up

"There's class and there's tarty and you don't need to be Jean Paul Gaultier to guess which one Cherie is compared to our cutting edge Queen," said What Not To Wear guru Susannah ‘Melons' Constantine, former flame of Prince Andrew.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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