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Topics: University, NHS, Degree

Thursday, 12 November 2009

image for Gordon Brown's new initiative of 'Degrees for all in the NHS'.
The new regulation NHS Nursing uniform for those who qualify with a degree.

Westminster, LONDON: At the Houses of Parliament, Ann Keen, the the UK Government's Health Minister has announced as part on behalf of Gordon Brown's new initiative of 'Degrees for all in the NHS', that future nurses will need to have a degree within four years, in one of the biggest shake-ups of medical education in the history of the NHS.

Ann Keen, Health Minister announced the following, "We believe in creating elitist nursing professionals. As a direct result of the Labour Government's 'initiative' to increase 'client/customer/stakeholder' choice, and to help enrich the recuperative experience by giving patients a direct input into their own individually tailored care program. Patients will be allowed to empty their own bedpans whenever they like!"

Gordon Brown the British Prime Minister then commended the scheme, "Before we all get too carried away with MY new initiative, lets remember that a degree is about the equivalent of an O level 40 years ago. It's just that school leavers need 3 years to get to O level standard these days!"

Gordon Brown then agreed with Health Minister Ann Keen's announcement, in the following robust way, "This means more people with "degrees" in Nursing Studies who are unable even to put a plaster on a grazed knee, while allowing patients to die of dehydration, starvation, infection and good old neglect, will be able to spout endlessly about the bio-medical model of illness and other such claptrap!"

Ann Keen, Health Minister then thanked Gordon Brown the Prime Minister with the following remarks, "The way in which the Universities give degrees away these days, as a result of this Labour Government's debasement of their value, soon cleaners will need them too. The days are gone in the British Nursing Profession when all that was needed for a good quality nurse, was primarily a matron who could manage them, secondly an ability to speak and understand the English language and thirdly common sense!"

Sadly there will be those reading this news column who will be wondering what is going on. Why do nurses need degrees? Are we saying that up until now all nurses have been under educated and incompetent? Do nurses really need 4 years of study to learn how to put on a bandage, inject drugs, etc? An anology would be, its like infant school teachers spending years doing a degree so they can learn how to teach 5 year olds the alphabet and 2+2. Does it not seem like overkill?

So we discussed this with the Health Minister Ann Keen, asking her "Doesn't this just smack of an announcement for announcement's sake?"

Ann Keen, the UK Government's Health Minister, "Gordon Brown's new initiative of 'Degrees for all in the NHS', will eventually mean that there will be degrees for cleaners, porters, cooks and reception staff. This will drive up the standards in the NHS."

So we asked Ann Keen the following. "Won't this scare off recruits with the prospect of a long and expensive period of study. Surely there are also concerns that some nurses will become "too clever to care" and refuse to carry out duties such as washing and feeding patients and helping them to the lavatory?"

UK Government's Health Minister, Ann Keen, again in her own words, "Gordon Brown's new initiative of 'Degrees for all in the NHS', will eventually mean that there will be separate specialist degrees dedicated specifically for washing patients, then feeding patients and also specialized lavatory attendants. This too will drive up the standards in the NHS."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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