Written by justlaw
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Wednesday, 11 November 2009

image for Metropolitan Police - Dodgy Velcro shocker
Another Cop Velcro failure

The Metropolitan Police have today issued a stark warning to the official supplier of 'velcro' to her Majesty's forces. In the last year they have citing 'embarrassing' situations when the velcro has failed to support officers.

The first instance occurred in April 2009, when on operational deployment at G20 London, without notice the velcro began failing. One by one, shoulder numbers from the G20 Territorial Support group riot officers, began to fall off. The streets of London were literally littered with the shining, well polished epaulet numbers.

The failure of the velcro, the responsibility of Mc'Muggin outfitters in Glasgow, has led to a national drama. Many critics have alleged that the Metropolitan officers were deliberately removing their badges to prevent identification, if involved in criminal misconduct.

A Metropolitan spokesperson has confirmed 'officers do not hide their numbers for fear of prosecution, this is a ridiculous assumption. As we all know, it is a complete rarity that any officer is ever prosecuted','no, this is a simple velcro quality control problem, which we've reported to our supplier'.

In another shock 'velcro' failure 'FUNBOYBOBBY' found a fixing failure at the wrong moment, resulted in his dismissal from the CO19 Crack firearms unit. 'FUNBOYBOBBY' a.k.a PC Thomas Malcolm's trousers dropped at the point of posting photos onto the internet. The resulting naked photos have compromised his manhood and operational integrity. The velcro police issue fixings were clearly not upto fastening the trousers of such a 'dominant' Member of the Metropolitan Police.

The Metropolitan Police Authority have ordered the velcro issue to be resolved before we seen more naked trigger happy Metropolitan officers on the streets of London.

A spokesperson for Mc'Muggins Velcro LTD have issued a statement, confirming that in their opinion, there is no velcro issue. That they remain happy for the Met to use this as an excuse for coverups, or indeed uncoverups.

The Metropolitan Police have asked the public to report any 'velcro' failures to a special hotline number. '0300 VELCRO', '0300 835276'. These failures can be identified by a badly behaving officer, minus their epaulet numbers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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