Written by Frank Miller
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Saturday, 14 November 2009

image for Man Causes havok at airport with Table Tennis bats
A still from CCTV footage of the man directing two planes to perform a mating ritual

Luton police are questioing a man who was arrested for causing confusion at Luton airport with a couple of table tennis bats.

Airline expert Ron Bexley explains, "Airline pilots are conditioned to follow the signals of ground crew when they wave their big lollypops around. When this charlie came on the scene with his bats, they just blindly followed his directions.

"It's totally irrelevant that he was butt naked except for his socks and a erect penis."

The man (who was also covered in chip fat) alluded Police and ground crew by being slippery for 20 minutes before he was wrestled to the ground. He was then dragged by his feet to the terminal, mostly on his arse.

During his escapade he:

  • Caused two planes to collide
  • Parked a 777 on the drive of an old lady's house, crushing her car
  • Sent a CuniLingus 767 off the runway and into an outdoor swimming pool forcing the crew to deploy the emeregency water wings
  • Forced an Airbus 380 to taxi onto a motorway causing a 300 mile tailback when it took off; it melted fifty cars and the tarmac when it fired its liftoff rockets


The identity of the man is unknown. He is currently in hospital under police guard receiving treatment for cuts, bruises and extreme road burn to the buttocks.

Airport Police person DCI Dick 'Dicky' Dickson commented, "We don't know how this fucking lunatic got on the tarmac. We're going to wait until he wakes up, ask our questions then kick the shit out of him. We're allowed to do that under the prevention of terrorism act."

Procedures for training airline pilots are being reviewed. Bexley again, "The plan would involve pilots checking that the man with the large lollypops is wearing more than socks and a huge erection before following him."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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