It is believed that Somali pirates have kidnapped BNP leader Nick Griffin, and are holding him hostage on a narrowboat on the Leeds and Liverpool canal in Lancashire.
Police negotiators have been talking to a group of armed gunmen who are sailing a 50ft steel trad boat on the stretch of canal between Leigh and Wigan.
Chief Inspector Fred 'Gripper' Neasden told our reporter. "We are proceeding along the towpath in a North Westerly direction and conversing with a group of black gentlemen carrying what appears to be semi automatic weapons. My officers are keeping abreast of the vessel by means of pedestrian and bicycular means. This being a not too difficult task, as said vessel is travelling at only approximately 4 mph. There has been a ransom demand for Mr Griffin to the tune of £15 and a packet of fig biscuits. We have passed on this demand to the BNP for consideration, but they have told us to relay a message to the Somalis, vis a vis, 'You can keep him.'"
It has been reported that the Somalis have run out of diesel and are asking for political asylum. Their leader, Mad Madheki Ungoko, told police, through an interpreter. "You can have Griffin back. The fat bastard has eaten all our provisions. We are f*****g starving."