Written by Simon Cockle

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Sunday, 8 November 2009

image for Council bans Remembrance Day parade 'for a laugh'
What the parade might have looked like

In another example of 'Health and Safety gone mad', a town council has banned this morning's Remembrance Day parade on the grounds of 'pins given out with poppies can cause eye-injuries to children - or something.'

The town council of Felcham, Kent, whose council is Labour-run, said 'the possibility of danger to the public is very small, but it would piss so many people off we just couldn't resist!'

There have been protests from various groups, especially those connected to the armed services. Brigadier Cuffley-Asperger, 93, of the Veterans Society, said last night 'this is the nanny-state gone mad. What next? We won't be able to hang gypsies with piano wire soon'.

Valerie All-About-The-War, 32, chairperson of the Gulf War Families group, suggested that the move was politically-motivated. 'It's Gordon-Brown gone mad. First the credit crisis, now this. It makes me so angry although I am angry all the time since my husband was killed in Iraq. So I'm not really being very objective, am I, but I don't care.'

Roy Only-A-Retired-Postman, 63, leader of Felcham Town Council, explained why they had made the decision. 'Nowadays, people confuse anger and indignation with debate and political activism. To them, jamming the 'Have Your Say' section of the BBC website is a substitute for actually doing something about what they believe. They are too lazy, too inarticulate and, for the most part, lacking in the analytical and sophistic skills that are required to change society. They are laughable, really. That's why we did it.'

They suggested that next week they might burn a church down and build a mosque in its place. Other Felcham Town Council proposals are to ban all white people from the town centre, replace all the community police officers with male drag artistes and erect speed cameras every 6 feet along the High Street.

Do you enjoy Tory-baiting? Are you fond of winding up the white-lower-Middle-Classes? Do you like making fun of thick people? If so, write something inflammatory on the Have Your Say section of the BBC website, stand back and watch the fun start. You never know, someone might get so angry they have a stroke! That would make you a Situationist Class Terrorist!! Go on, try it today!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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