London, Saturday (Associated Mess) - A fleet of Royal Parks Agency turbo-powered bulldozers is reported to be heading towards Hyde Park this evening following reports that Her Majesty has ordered the razing to the ground of the disastrous Diana, Princess of Wales Memorial Fountain which was closed following a break-out of Salmonella and Botulism in its waters some two weeks after its official inauguration.
A spokesman at Buckingham Palace confirmed that the new annual running costs of £250,000 needed to enclose the water feature with pilgrim-proof razor wire as well as pay the salaries for armed warden patrols to keep tourists away from desecrating the shrine has proved to be too prohibitive for the taxpayer to foot. Hence the only viable option is to raze the fiasco-laden feature to the ground and re-turf over what was once a relatively Diana-free and pleasant corner of the Park. The bill for this sensible solution is believed to be on its way to the solicitors acting for designers Kathryn Gustafson and Porter Goss, the newly-appointed head of the CIA chosen by President Bush earlier this week.
In a further twist in the tale, Buckingham Palace was quick to issue an official denial that the real reason for the bulldozers' imminent foray into the Park was an announcement from the Vatican this weekend saying that Pope John Paul II was due to make an unscheduled visit to the Fountain on Sunday 15 August - the Feast of the Assumption - to pray for a miracle at the doomed water feature after his visit to the shrine of the Holy Virgin at Lourdes on Saturday. It is believed that the Holy Father and his close pal Cardinal Ratzinger - Head of the Inquisition Department at the Vatican - expressed a desire to pray for a miracle at the Diana Fountain, following the sequestration of all Vatican accounts held in the failed US Riggs Bank, in order to fulfill an ancient Opus Dei prophesy that claims Diana will return alive and in person if the Holy Pontiff makes such a pilgrimage.
Sources close to His Holiness have neither denied nor admitted that Diana's imminent canonisation is guaranteed if the Vatican can authenticate the healing powers of her watery memorial on the day that commemorates the Church's greatest historical wheeze - the bodily lifting up to heaven of the Virgin without the aid of mechanical assistance.
Meanwhile, the bulldozers' turbo-powered engines can be heard revving up as far away as the Tora Bora in Kabul, where a new Gustafson-Porter water feature is reportedly taking shape again.