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Tuesday, 3 November 2009

image for Death penalty call for Bastard
Touching cloth. A justice campaigner yesterday

The debate over whether the death penalty should be reintroduced has exploded again following the arrest of one of Britain's worst offenders.

Travelling salesman Keith Bastard, 48 was detained at Her Majesty's pleasure at The Old Bailey yesterday having been found guilty of wrenching off thousands of sliding locks from toilet cubicle doors all over the UK.

Motorway service stations, municipal buildings and pubs have been no-go areas for millions of would be toilet-goers for years, but finally the nation can breathe again following the successful apprehension of the man responsible for the most prolific and puzzling crime spree in British legal history.

In sentencing, Justice Furrowbrow QC said: "Like many others, I have often wondered who has been responsible for this heinous behaviour.

"These crimes have plagued the British toilet user for decades but now the misery you cause has come to an abrupt end.

"Not only have you condemned millions to a one-handed operation when using the toilet, you have also been responsible for needless spontaneous whistling throughout the land.

"The punishment I am restricted to impose barely scratches the surface of the evil for which you are responsible, and it will outrage the law-abiding public, as much as this court to imprison you indefinitely pending a psychiatric report, you bastard."

MPs are now facing overwhelming public support for the death penalty to be re-introduced in the wake of the case but are reluctant, and will rely on good will to reject the call now that Bastard is in custody.

Prison officers are now on high alert and fearing riots if Bastard continues his campaign of crime behind bars at his undisclosed prison destination.

Campaigners for justice have voiced their concerns that Bastard may use his right of appeal and try to reduce his sentence by telling police where he has hidden his sizeable stash of toilet door locks.

No scrap metal dealers in Doncaster were available for comment yesterday.

Bastard showed no hint of emotion as he was taken down. The bastard.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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