Baroness Scotland, still fighting for her reputation after the 'illegal cleaner affair', has received a new blow to her prestige with allegations that she has been harbouring a gang of Somali pirates.
The desperate immigrants were discovered hiding inside the Attorney General during a random security check in the House of Lords Robing Room.
"They just fell out of her and landed in a heap on the carpet," reveals a shocked Usher. "At first we thought it was a terror attack, but when they just lay there, gasping for air, we realised they were in no condition to attack anyone."
A spokesperson for the Baroness denied she had any knowledge of the deception. "The Attorney General was completely unaware that she had been infiltrated and at this point we do not know for certain the pirates' point-of-entry. But she had complained of feeling unwell shortly after 'The X-Factor' on Saturday night, so we suspect they may have sneaked in at some point during the show."
Conservative Peer, Lord Venery, commented: "Patricia has always been a big gel - indeed, with all the robes on, she rather resembles a furry battleship - so I imagine there were plenty of hiding places for these wretched blackamoors."
The five pirates, who appear to be in their twenties, are being questioned at Paddington Green police station. Detective Inspector Barry Crumb, leading the Met investigation, told reporters, "There are obvious communication problems and we are trying to locate a pirate interpreter. To date, their only demand has been for air freshener."
Baroness Scotland, whose unlawful employment of Tongan au pair Looloo Tapooey led to demands for her resignation, retains 'the full support' of Prime Minister Gordon Brown, according to a Downing Street press officer, leading to Ladbrokes slashing odds on her sacking from 12-1 to 1-3 on.
Other recent cases of politicians suffering unwanted guests include Nicholas Soames, occupied by hunt saboteurs in 2008, and Peter Mandelson, who had to surgically remove Lord Foulkes from his colon prior to his appearance at the Labour Party Conference.