Photographic evidence taken by a young man on the streets of Kingston Upon Thames near Argyll House yesterday clearly captures one Mr. Fanimal Peperami, local snack sausage character, in the act of stealing a motor bike. Not to be interrupted by the flash of the digital camera, Fanimal was seen bending two paper clips together to start the Harley-Davidson Sportster, then speeding out into traffic behind a red double-deck bus.
Nearly running over an elderly Mr. Colin Farnsworth who was innocently crossing the street, Peperami raised his greasy sausage arm to signal a turn but hit Farnsworth in the face, launching his false teeth across the road and into the bread pudding of one Mrs. Edna Willingham of 39 Brook Street. Mrs. Willingham told reporters, "I was able to eat the pudding with my own teeth, thank you very much." When asked about his assault on the street, Mr. Farnsworth responded, "Bruddy animar. Gib me back my teef." Police officials are holding the teeth as evidence, hoping to be able to lift Fanimal's fingerprints off the denture plate.
The next day, Police reported receiving a call from a young female at a pub some 30 kilometers away in Frogmore. The woman had reportedly met Peperami the night before at "The Red Swine" on Radlett Road. "He started hanging out with the boys, but later shifted his attention to the ladies." Recalled Gwyneth Gumberland, the telephone tipster. "After that, he had his hands all over us. It was greasy and disgusting and yet somehow exciting at the same time."
Local police say that Fanimal started to get a little too fresh with some of the girls, and one in particular whose boyfriend was standing at the rail. One good drop kick from the boyfriend's boot later, and the sausage was out in the street. "We could all hear him start up his bike and ride away." Says Gumberland.
Gumberland remained saddened by the incident as she recalled the events of the evening. She stood against the red brick wall of the Frogmore police station with a pork-stained blouse and disheveled hair whilst making a heart-felt plea, "Fanimal, if you're still out there, call me?"