The UK's former chief drugs adviser, Professor David Nuttcase, today smoked a massive spliff of grass and rollup tobacco, and then tried to criticise Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
'Look', he mumbled from his bench in Hyde Park, 'yeah, OK, good shit, man. What day is it? Saturday? HAHAHAHAHAHA! Saturday night's all right for smoking! Woohoo! Ha ha ... Man, this stuff is strong! Brown? Who? Oh yeah, that one-eyed Scotch egg! What a tosser! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA ....'
Then after about half an hour of laughing uncontrollably, Professor Nuttcase's mood suddenly changed and he began staring at everyone in the park. 'That bastard over there's watching me!', he said, 'look! He is! Come on, I'm outta here!', and he jumped to his feet and stumbled away into some bushes.
'Leave me alone!', he whispered from behind them, 'I need some time on my own, like. Brown's been after me for years, he got Alan Borisson to sack me, the ungrateful fat bastard! And after all I did for the people of this country! Jeez, this tree is starting to talk to me! Help!'
Cannabis had for years been a Class C drug, and was allowed to be possessed and used but not dealt by anyone in the UK as long as it was a minimal amount, but Gordon Brown has now ordered it to be reclassified as a Class B and hence illegal drug. 'It never did me any harm', Professor Nuttcase said from the bushes in Hyde Park, 'can you go and buy me twelve hamburgers and an economy size tub of cheap ice-cream? Man, I'm hungry.'
'Candy and a Currant Bun' by The Pink Floyd then began playing on a nearby radio:
'Oh my, girl sitting in the sun
Go buy, candy and a currant bun
I like, to see you getting very stoned
I like, to see you getting paranoid
Please, don't talk to me
Please, don't you know you're driving me wild
Please, don't stare at me
Oh my, girl melting in the sun
Voices, talking in my other head
Ice cream, tastes shit in the afternoon
Ice cream, fries your brain just before noon
Please, don't follow me
Please, don't you know you're making me scared
Please, I'll have to strangle you
Oh my, mental health on overdrive
Oh my, schizoid ramblings suicide
My my, Delilah is a shade of Greene
I need, a massive dose of stelazine'