Written by David Swinstead
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Friday, 5 April 2002

A lava lamp that has laid dormant for years has today erupted, taking countless lives and leaving thousands injured and without homes.

The tragedy took place early this morning, and the death toll, which is still rising, is expected to end up at around 10,000. The cause of the event is still unknown.

"I just plugged it in and it exploded" says owner of the lamp James Ulrich. "All I did was plug it in as usual and the lava started expanding, and when the glass shattered and it started shooting everywhere I was reminded of the time I flew my Spitfire over the germans in '42, they shot my best two pilots down those BASTARDS!"

"So, of course I instantly began to make spitfire-shooting noises, in the hope that the lava would think there was an actual plane firing at it and retreat, but this just seemed to make it burn my feet, then my ankles, then my knees as it came higher up me. Within minutes I was engulfed and it was then I decided that since it was English lava it might be more afraid of the noise of Messerschmit fire, but I couldn't do a good impression of that so I decided to run for it instead. Having, by this point, no feet or legs, running away was actually fairly difficult, but I got out of there, and raised the alarm in time to save many of the millions of lives that could have been lost."

Ulrich has been described as a "Right Tit" by neighbour Lars Hetfield, one of the lucky few to have survived the crisis, who says "The man is a buffoon, an idiot, a nincompoop, a right tit. Had he simply made cannon fire noises instead, the lava would surely have had no other choice but to retreat back into it's lamp, before it became to much to control and destroyed the best part of this little town."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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