Written by Stephen Cross
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Wednesday, 28 October 2009

'Big Brother is essentially repetitive, voyeuristic nonsense. The public is fed up with nobodies lounging around and moaning every time they have to dress up as a shrimp or a matador to do a task. Next year, if I'm successful, Britain will finally see what it takes to be a real housemate.'

This was Nick Griffin's passionate speech, which he delivered to a McDonald's 'drive-thru' employee via megaphone from the sunroof of a 1996 Fort Escort. He vowed to 'pump up the jams' and 'raise the roof', should he be granted entry into next year's Big Brother, set to be held in a purpose-built wheelie-bin just outside of Dagenham.

'When people think of Big Brother, they think of monotony, of dull, endless silences, punctuated intermittently by the sound of a man weeping into a brassiere' Griffin continued. When asked if he'd ever watched the show, he replied entirely in Bangladeshi, and was thus not understood by the worker.

'It was very odd' commented Susan Trombone, the McDonalds employee who dealt with the BNP leader. 'Before he ordered, he asked if we had any pouches of brown sauce. I replied we had only ketchup and sour cream, at which point he began pumping his fist enthusiastically. I tried to interrupt, as a large queue was forming behind him, but he just turned his radio up. The noise was dreadful. He told me it was 'white noise', but it just sounded like mediocre R'n'B.'

Griffin is reported to have then clambered through his sunroof and began berating passers by for wearing 'wank shoes' and 'naff tracksuits' before launching into his Big Brother tirade.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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