The Great British Police force is attempting to have a law passed to make the roads safer for all concerned.
"We have analysed the statistics," said DI Phil Inns, of the Greater Manchester Police Department Traffic Division. "A while ago, we noticed that by far and away the greatest number of accidents were caused by drunk drivers, so we had that made illegal, down to the point where driving past a brewery can put you over the limit. Next up were sleepy drivers, but pointing out that drivers need to take a rest using motorway signs, and playing monotonous adverts on the radio appears to have solved this too. And because it is illegal to retune your radio whilst driving now, they have to listen."
DI Inns went onto explain that the more minority causes of accidents, drug driving and mobile phone usage have similarly been pushed through into law, preventing drivers from ringing their dealers whilst driving.
"We thought we had reduced the accident rate by ninety percent, but we have discovered that there is still a one hundred percent road traffic accident rate involving motor vehicles. It seems to be that no matter how many causes of accidents we stamp out, the pie chart than lands on my desk every morning is still circular."
Inns has a draconian plan to eliminate the final one hundred percent of road traffic accidents.
"We are going to make it illegal to own a vehicle with handlebars or a steering wheel," he said. "We have discovered that in every accident involving vehicles one or the other, or in some cases, both, of these devices were integral to the vehicle. By removing this common link, we feel we can finally turn the pie chart into a pie dish."